The BAU Gets Stoned
by Sammie050301
Summary: Yes, you read that title correctly. Rated T for recreational marijuana use—duh. Features !StonerJJ and !StonerEmily. One-shot.


**A/N: Behold, the longest one-shot i have ever written! I wrote this whole thing I was at a baseball game, no lie. It was certainly fun to write, I tried to see who would act a certain way while high. A stereotype, you can say, and I hope you enjoy it.**

 **Disclaimer - I don't own Criminal Minds.**

 **Oh, and a warning for "recreational drug use".**

 **Let me know if this should be a one-shot, or a series of circles with the team. Your opinions matter! Reviews fill my heart.**

* * *

It was a normal day at Rossi's mansion after a particularly rough case. Prostitutes were being murdered in a rough part of Memphis. Sometimes, the BAU needed to loosen up a little, and that's where Rossi came in with a bottle of his expensive wine, delicious Italian food, and tips on how to make it. At Rossi's, laughter was proven to be contagious. Rossi exaggerated quite a bit with an Italian accent, which escalated into silly jokes from the other members of the team.

"Are you sure you don't wanna take a romantic trip to Italy?" Garcia said, giggling as she took another sip of wine. Rossi lifted an amused eyebrow at the tech analyst and said,

"Too many relatives, like I said. Besides, I'd have to choose which ex wife I should take." The team broke into another fit of laughter, any joke about Rossi's ex wives would always send them in stitches.

"I'll gladly take that trip to Italy," Garcia replied, she flashed Morgan a flirty grin, "So, my hot chocolate thunder, when Rossi gives us that trip to me, would you care to be my plus one?" Morgan grinned back and wrapped his muscular arms around her playfully.

"Of course, Baby Girl, do you even have to ask?" Garcia batted her eyes and gave him a peck on the cheek, which made JJ and Prentiss giggle.

"I _clearly_ gave you two too much to drink," Rossi said, he sees multiple grins from Reid, Hotch, JJ, and Prentiss. Garcia and Morgan pretended to be offended.

"Um, but excuse me, I am a _careful_ drunk," Garcia defended.

"At least I'm not a lightweight like that smartass over there!"

"Hey!" Reid's grin quickly disappeared when he heard Morgan teasing him, "I am not!"

"Then why do you drink only half a glass? I've had at least two, and I'm fine." Prentiss asked, clearly amused as much as the rest of the team was. JJ and Garcia failed to hide their giggles at how much of a kid Reid was. He pouted, which did not help him look older. He took that as a challenge and chugged the rest of his wine down, earning surprised looks from his entire team.

"Okay, Pretty Boy," Morgan said, clapping his hands slowly, "You win. But if you get sick I'm not cleaning it up. That's Rossi's job."

"Fat chance," said Rossi, a smirk appearing as he shook his head.

So after a night of pasta, fine wine, and some laughs, everyone was ready to gather their belongings and head to their homes to relax and rest in the comfort of their beds, which they, for sure, needed.

That was, until they heard shouting outside.

"—shit. We gotta get rid of this! Can't believe your mom would chase us with a bat!"

"Who cares, man? Let's just put it here!"

"This is all _your_ fault! I knew we'd get caught!"

"Do I throw this too?—"

" _Everything_ , we're _busted_!"

"What in the hell..." Rossi, out of pure instinct, took his gun out, ready to fire. He could feel the team following him, but he dismissed them.

"It's my place, let me handle it," he said. He sneakily and carefully got outside. But, he was too late as they ran down the street with no trace of where they could've gone. Rossi knew that from their voices that they were probably rebellious teenagers, no older than seventeen, possibly. He quickly looked around one more time, just in case they decided to come back, but they didn't.

Then he looked down to his feet and saw a bag of a green substance, that was no doubt going to smell as soon as he opened it. Next to it, was, of course a pipe and a lighter. Rossi could've thrown it away, to prevent legal trouble. He was an FBI Agent, after all. But what did he do? He pocketed it safely and walked back into the mansion.

He shut the door behind him, and came face to face with all of his worried teammates.

"What happened out there?" Garcia said, impulsively enveloping the author in a tight hug, "You had us worried! What if it was a gang or something?" After she said that, Rossi slowly let her go.

"Nah, it was just a couple of kids in the neighborhood. Just kids being kids, but they left a little present for us." Now, everyone was curious as he reached into his pocket and pulled out the marijuana that the kids left, as well as the pipe and the lighter. Garcia gasped in shock. Reid's face went pale and looked away. Hotch raised an eyebrow and glared. Morgan wasn't really shocked, but he was intrigued. JJ broke into an amused grin. Prentiss, however, shocked everyone else.

"Let's smoke it."

Garcia nearly choked on the wine she just took a sip from. Reid, if possible, grew paler. Morgan didn't seem to mind, shrugging his shoulders. Rossi was highly amused at that statement, and didn't seem bothered at all. Hotch sighed and facepalmed. JJ however, agreed.

"Absolutely," JJ said, making the team even more surprised than ever, "Brings me back to my old high school days." If looks, well in this case, _glares_ could kill, then Hotch would've murdered JJ on the spot. It wasn't an angry glare though, he was more surprised than anything.

"I'm sorry, but you may have forgotten, we're _FBI Agents_ ," Hotch said slowly, as if talking to his son, "Therefore, we get tested for drugs."

"But we got tested for drugs last Wednesday, and we won't get another one for another two months," Prentiss pointed out, "This one time wouldn't hurt. And it's not like we have work tomorrow."

"She's right, we don't," JJ said, supporting her friend.

"...Are or _were_ you two stoners?!" Morgan exclaimed, surprised. JJ and Prentiss exchanged a look, and burst into a fit of giggles, well, that answers his question.

"Let's just say high school was fun," Prentiss said, still laughing with JJ. Hotch blinked twice. Never would he have thought that JJ and Prentiss are or were female stoners. It's most likely the latter, since they've passed their medical examinations.

"I can't believe I never knew that," Hotch said, "I can't...You know what? I don't even know what to say anymore..."

"Did you know that four million people aged 12 or older tried marijuana for the first time which averages to–"

"Reid, stop. We're here to have some fun, not learn about statistics," JJ interrupted gently with a small laugh.

"...Well?" JJ asked, with hope in her voice, "I mean, we could use a break. I'm forcing everyone to do it." Prentiss nodded, agreeing enthusiastically.

"No way!" Reid exclaimed, "I read that marijuana effects the memory."

"Not true, I'd never forget to smoke."

"Oh my _god_ ," Hotch groaned, burying his face in his hands due to JJ's comment.

"Morgan?" Prentiss asks hopefully, seeing the interest written all over the man's face. He was a bit hesitant, but then realized they weren't getting an examination.

"Oh what the hell. Why not?"

JJ smiled. Three down, four to go. "Okay cool, Reid, are you not going to?"

"I–I'm not so sure about this..." he stammered. Well, this would be a very good experiment. He looks pleadingly at JJ and Prentiss, "Is it safe?"

"Why do you think it's legal in some states? Of course it is," Prentiss consoled.

"I'm still uneasy, I don't know, to be honest."

"Reid," the youngest profiler turned around to see Garcia's brave looking very brave, "I...I'll do it if you do it." Reid seemed to think about this very carefully. Hotch couldn't believe that they were still having this conversation. He could've been _home,_ for Gods' sake.

"O-okay. I'm in if Garcia is," Reid confirmed, which made Garcia nod.

"I'm in too, in that case. Since everyone else is." Everyone else looks at the one person that hadn't confirmed anything yet, which was their leader. Hotch took every muscle he had not to react at how everyone willingly agreed to do this.

"C'mon Mr. Boss Man," Garcia piped up, "I mean, maybe it'll be fun!"

Damn it, peer pressure!

He gave in. "Alright, I'll do it. But what happens here, _stays_ in here, we do not bring this up _ever again,_ for the rest of our lives. Got it?"

"Sweet. Rossi? Pass the good ol' mary jane," JJ ordered, she sounded so in charge that Rossi tossed it to her without questioning her. JJ caught it, and then Prentiss said, "Lighter and pipe please, but don't throw it." Rossi did so.

"So how does this work," Reid asked curiously, wondering if he should have said yes.

"We have to assume the position," Prentiss answered.

"There's a _position?_ " Hotch asked incredulously.

JJ and Prentiss nodded and told them what to do.

* * *

"...This is absolutely ridiculous," Hotch said aloud, when JJ and Prentiss ordered everyone to sit into a large circle on the floor. He was missing his _Law and Order_ reruns for this? Yes, he had truly gone insane.

"Alright my pot virgins," Prentiss announced, starting the circle off with the pipe in her hand. Her speech was interrupted by Morgan.

"Um, I'm not a pot virgin."

"Me neither," said Rossi.

"Okay, okay. Be picky. For the people who _are_ pot virgins," Prentiss looked to Hotch, Garcia, and Reid, "You always pass the pipe to the person to your _left._ Normally it's puff puff pass, but since you guys are newbies, it'll be puff pass."

"Wait, what does that mean?" Garcia asked, sounding inquisitive. Reid spoke up to offer his opinion, "I think it means that you take two breaths of the marijuana and let it out, but since we're new, we take one breath."

"The term is _hits_ ," Prentiss corrected, then she put the weed in the pipe and held part of it to her lips. In her other hand. she had the lighter and lit the weed at the edge of it, "Like so." She inhaled the substance deeply, then opened her thumb from the side of the pipe, where the hole was. After she held it for a while, she let out the smoke with ease. She passed the pipe to her left, which was JJ, who also repeated the same action with ease. Next, was Garcia, who looked a bit nervous and jittery, but still excited.

"Uh...JJ?" She looked at her for help. JJ smiled encouragingly, and told her, "Just inhale it, and when you do, hold down the hole of the pipe. When you let it out, you can let go." Garcia did what she was told, she inhaled, only to burst into a fit of coughs. JJ patted her back with a chuckle.

"The first hit," she started off, "–is always the hardest." Prentiss offered her a bottle of water, which Garcia practically gulped down. After she was done, she felt a little more relaxed. Next was Morgan, and he realized he needed to light it again. He was about to, until—

"Stop!" Prentiss shouted angrily, which made Morgan confused. Prentiss took Morgan's silence as a sign to continue, "You were about to torch it!"

"Torch it?" Garcia, Reid, and Hotch asked simultaneously.

"Don't light it in the middle, light the edge. You waste good weed!" Morgan rolled his eyes.

"I know what I'm doing," he said, lighting it, but this time it was the edge of it. He repeated the action without coughing. Next was Hotch, and he swore to god that he'd never forgive the team for this.

"I hate all of you," he grumbled, before inhaling. Unlike Garcia who smoked for the first time, he let it out easily. This surprised JJ and Prentiss.

"I thought you never—"

"I smoked cigarettes when I was younger," he answered, no further questions were asked. He passed it over to Rossi, who didn't cough either when he hit it.

Lastly, came Reid.

"I bet he'll be a total lightweight."

"Shut up Morgan!"

"It's okay, Reid you got this," said JJ. She watched us Reid inhaled, for a _really really_ long time.

"Oh shit," Prentiss muttered, with a chuckle.

"He's gonna get _fucked_ ," JJ sang out, also smiling. Reid let some smoke out, by coughing a lot more than Garcia did. Reid passed the pipe back to Prentiss.

"So, how's everyone feeling?"

"Good." That was Rossi.

"Fabulous." JJ, of course.

"Tired." Garcia added.

"Fascinated." It was Reid.

"Surprisingly light." Hotch? Yes it was.

"Happy." Lastly, was Morgan. They all continued to pass the pipe around, As time went by, everyone realized this was only just the beginning. Hotch's eyes were starting to get red, and Morgan started to grin, looking very goofy. Reid's eyes were drooping a bit. Rossi got up and started to look for snacks. Garcia was staring at the same spot she was staring at for about ten minutes. JJ and Prentiss grinned, they couldn't wait for the aftermath.

* * *

"You know," Hotch said, squinting a little while taking a long drag from the pipe, "I think it's time I retire."

"Why do you say that?" Morgan said, looking very distraught. "We need you, man. You're like...you're like our dad. Can I call you dad?" Even though Hotch was high as a kite, he was weirded out a little.

"Nah, nah. I mean, do you ever look at the serial killers—" He pauses, to hit the pipe again, and lets it out feeling content.

"Whoah, whoah, whoah," Morgan said, noticing he took a second hit, "What ever happened to the _puff pass_ rule?"

"Oh, we're beyond that point now," JJ said, leaning against the couch that was behind her.

"Hey, hey, hey. Hear me out," Hotch said, darting around the room with no focus, "Instead of locking them up, we could maybe have a beer with them. Or maybe some of this stuff in my hand, it's some good shit. Actually, you know what? Maybe they need a _friend._ And you know what? _I'd_ be their friend." He passes the pipe over to Morgan, who takes his sweet time. Now, they were passing it to the right.

"That sounds like a good idea, Dad," he inhales and lets the smoke out, "Honestly, we should bring that up with Strauss. Do people think I like kicking down doors? Sure, I got them abs, but I get tired of handcuffing the bad guys, it must really hurt."

"You do got them abs," JJ commented quietly.

"Don't call me dad," Hotch said, almost tiredly.

"Can I call you Pops?"

"No."

"Padre?"

" _No."_

"Daddy?"

"Get the fuck out of here," Hotch said, sounding serious.

"How come you let _Jack_ call you daddy!?" Morgan whined.

"Because Jack is my _son."_

"You cheated on _mom!?_ " Morgan exclaimed, his eyes flashing with anger.

Hotch's face was frozen for a few seconds, until he broke into a fit of laughter, "Ah, bliss..." Morgan passes the pipe to Garcia, who also had some things on her mind.

"You guys put me through the worst shit, you know," she inhales deeply, not coughing this time, "We should...we should _quit_ the BAU, honestly. I don't want to see someone get killed. In fact," her demeanor now turned cheery, "I have a second job in mind!" She passes the pipe over to JJ, who takes a hit of the pipe.

"What is it?"

"I'm gonna be S.A.C!" She exclaims, as if everyone knew what that meant. JJ pushes her eyebrows together and confusion and takes another hit, and gave the pipe to Prentiss, who lights it up again, "S.A.C?" Garcia looked horrifed that JJ didn't know what the acronym stood for, "Stuffed Animal Carer, DUH!"

"S.A.C," Prentiss repeated, "Sack." She pauses, and then the giggles come out, "A sack. Like a... _dick._ " Prentiss laughed harder than ever, like it was the funniest thing in the entire world.

"Do we have any snacks in here?" Rossi asked, looking around almost in a dazed state. "I could use some chips. Or pizza. A whole pie, actually. Maybe some leftover ice cream?" He waited for someone to answer, but no one did. He snatches the pipe out of Prentiss' hand and takes a hit, he stares at the smoke coming out of it, "Holy fucking shit...that was a good one." He waits, and then says, "C'mon, guys. Where's the food?"

"...This is your house," JJ slowly reminded him, then the gears in his head visibly turned, and his goofy smile came back, "Oh yeah, I'll be right back." Rossi got up and started to get more food. He gives the pipe back to Emily

"...Is Reid sleeping?" Hotch inquired, looking at the scrawny form across from him. Reid's knees were up to his chest, his right elbow resting on them. His head was leaning against his hand, with a content smile on his face, he looked like a child. He did not answer the unit chief's question, but his body shook with giggles he was holding inside.

"Reid?" Asked Prentiss, who shook him slightly to get him to hopefully respond. Reid's response was to break into a huge smile while giggling like a small girl that was soft, but not inaudible. He folded his arms and placed them on his knees and rested his head on them to the side, looking in Emily's direction with red glazed eyes.

"Aww, Reid's so cute when he's high," JJ cooed. Prentiss agreed, as Reid's grin was very silly-looking and he felt his eyes close every two minutes, dipping back and forth between coherence.

"Hey Reid, how ya doing?" She asked. Reid nodded against his arms and mumbled like a little kid, "I'm doing...I'm doing good." He sits up a little more, looking at Prentiss in a dreamy state, "Your eyes are so pretty." Prentiss laughed and blushed at the comment, "Aw, thanks Reid."

"Boop," he chirped when he touched her nose. Even Hotch couldn't hold back his smirk. Soon enough, Rossi came back with another bag of chips, shoving at least seven in his mouth.

"I'm back, where's the bud?"

"...You finished it, remember?" Morgan said.

"Nah, I think I would remember something like that." Rossi says.

"You know what? Will is nice when he's shirtless but," JJ's face scrunches up, "That mole on above his belly button, it looks like a third eye that you see on those dollar bills."

"Moles look like faces," Rossi said.

"Honestly, I'd be friends with any criminal right now. Remember Foyet?" Hotch asked, seeing all the nods in the room, "He may have killed my wife, but...I honestly feel like he would've been a great guy to play pool with."

"But you hate pool," Garcia pointed out.

"Well now I like it." Reid started to stir in his own arms again. He decided he was going to resy his head on Prentiss' lap. "You're so soft to lie on, like Jet Puffed Marshmallows." Silence ensued as Reid closed his eyes in favor of Prentiss' lap.

"Prentiss, I think Reid just called you fat," JJ said after a long while.

"Meh, he's very high, so I forgive him," Prentiss said, running her hand through his messy curls, making him sigh dreamily with that same damn smile.

"Have you seen a mother elephant shit on its baby's head?" Morgan said, smirking, "Funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. We should take a family trip to the zoo." He looks at Hotch with an enthusiastic smile, "Hey dad? Can we go?"

"No, and I'm not your dad," Hotch answered. Morgan pouted, actually _pouted_ like a small child. He huffed out in annoyance, "Fine, I don't need you anyway." Silence once again ensued amongst the profilers. Then, all of a sudden, Reid burst into hysterical laughter. His face rolled off of Prentiss' laugh and began to roll around the floor, clutching his side's with tears in his eyes.

"Uhh...Reid," Prentiss asked, trying her best not to lose control, "You okay there?"

"A...Um...Er—" He had stammered, before breaking off in loud laughter while now pounding his fist on the floor.

"I think we broke Reid," muttered JJ, "Hey Reid," she started off, like she was speaking to Henry, "Whatcha doin? What's so funny?" Reid, as if it were possible, laughed harder, his face going so red from it all. This time, he explained in one breath, "An elephant shitting on an elephant!" He roared with laughter and sat pretzel style on the floor.

"Spence, sweetie, that was said a while ago." But Reid didn't care. He continued laughing, tears were coming out of his eyes, and then he started to cry. He hugged JJ tightly, stuffing his face in her chest. JJ awkwardly patted him on the head, "Aw, sweetie, what's wrong?" Reid sniffled, which sounded like an ugly snort, "I'll never shit on an elephant!" He wailed.

"But you don't want to. Elephants are...fat," JJ said. All of a sudden, Reid snapped his head up to reveal his manic red eyes and giant smile. Now, he was back to laughing again. Really, really hard.

"Was his shit _laced?_ "

"We smoked the same weed, Rossi." Prentiss explained.

"You know, we should get Strauss to join us one day," Garcia said, tilting her head slightly, "She'd like it." Reid was still laughing, which made him snort like a pig, sending everyone into hysterics of laughter. Hotch's smirk reached his eyes, as he watched JJ lean into Prentiss' side. Reid tilted his head back, laughing at the sound of his stupid snort. Morgan shoved some chips into this face, Garcia cackled as if she were possessed, making everyone make jokes from Reid's snort to Garcia and her cackle. Rossi looked around the circle, glad to be baked as a fucking cake with the family he loves.

Neither of them regretted that night. Although they'd promise to never speak about it again, it was a memory that all of them would remember and cherish.


End file.
